Building Communication Skills in Your Marriage

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Literally, there are tens of thousands of books out there written on this topic alone. Communication is a huge word, and while we may all understand what it means, we so often completely fail in understanding its process and raw power to influence radical change in all areas of life. It is striking that so many marriages completely end on this one component alone. Both spouses may love each other dearly, but without proper communication, that love goes unnoticed and the result is often terrible and tragic.

Understand, Not Understood

Communication failure occurs when one person feels that they are not understood. How many times do you react when a love one doesn't understand you? We want to be understood....we want to know that our husband or wife, friend, or loved one understands us. And when we don't feel understood, we react, whether silently, verbally, or with action. Usually those reactions are negative and feed into the cycle of breakdown. But consider this: of all the times you focused on not being understood, how often have you tried to understand the other person? It often doesn't occur to us in an argument that our loved one is also trying to be understood just like us. Clearly, if we sought more to understand, rather than always seeking to be understood, a lot of arguing would cease and we would find that the cycle of endless hurt is broken.

The Problem of Arguing and Failed Communication

It is estimated that when awake, we spend approximately 70% our time communicating, 30% of which is talking. This means that over half of our communication is non-verbal. It’s not what you say; it’s how you say it that can be the cause of communication problems between most couples. If you say one thing for instance, such as “everything is fine” but your body language conveys something else, such as a sunken shoulders or a withdrawn face, the dominant communication will be the physical or energetic undertone. When communication between couples becomes strained or even nonexistent, the entire foundation of the relationship is affected. Learning to communicate so everyone involved feels heard is hard work and as the divorce rate shows, many couples are unable to reach this level of understanding and therefore issues are left unresolved and tension deepens leading to a lack of understanding and respect. Ultimately, this may lead to couples simply dissolving the relationship for lack of knowing how to fix the problems. While this may be a temporary solution to their problems, ultimately, they resurface in the next relationship. Communicating effectively is an art but it can be learned. Counseling gives you the tools to communicate successfully so you get what you need and everyone involved is happy.

Why Is Communicating So Difficult?

For the most part, communication breaks down when people fail to adequately say what and how they feel in a non-threatening manner. If we were all completely honest, which of course means being vulnerable, the majority of arguments and conflicts would not occur. As children, we go through experiences, good and bad, that ultimately affect how we communicate in the future. The term emotional baggage is often used to describe these attitudes we carry forward. If, for example, you grew up in a household with an angry parent that everyone constantly tried to avoid or soothe, you will likely carry this attitude into adulthood and when confrontation arises, whether real or perceived, you will either try to calm the situation or run from it. If your spouse says something you perceive to be heated, you will immediately revert back to this childhood memory and in turn, face your mate with your learned response. You will probably do whatever you can to avoid the subject and if your spouse, for instance, comes from a family where everyone accepts anger as a simple outpouring of emotion and nothing more, then the two of you may clash making resolution of issues a regular challenge.

There have been many books written on the subject of gender communication and most of them conclude that men and women truly do think and feel differently. Men communicate in order to relay information. In general, they tend to talk more about topic do not require discussing and relating to feelings and emotions. Men are highly competitive and proverbial problem solvers. Men will often talk to solve problems. Conversely, women typically communicate to connect with others. They would rather talk about people than things and they relay feelings quite readily. Women are more relationship oriented in their speech then men. While not impossible, these differences provide a challenge for us to relate effectively to each other.

Going into a relationship, we often have unrealistic expectations. Romantic novels and blockbuster movies with the stunning, self-sufficient heroine finally getting her perfect, caring, sympathetic man are nothing like the real world. And when we are shocked back to reality during our first communication breakdown, we can feel cheated, disappointed, and often angry. Hurt feelings lead to irrational behavior and blaming, which of course, leads to further communication problems and eventual relationship troubles.

Effective Communication is a Skill

Communicating effectively with each other in a relationship does not come naturally! It may seem that way in the beginning, but as all couples know, once that honeymoon phase is over, the real challenge begins. It is dangerous to simply think that you can communicate effectively with your spouse on your own. Only through a joint commitment to build communication can greater understanding be reached. It is indeed a skill, and you will need to practice it in this journey of life...perhaps many times, but the good news is that anyone can learn it!

How Do I Know If We Need Help?

Communication problems are like ticking time bombs. You never know what will set things off and when it will be “the last straw” for either party involved. There are early warning signs that your relationship in is trouble however. If you and your partner have consistent unresolved arguments, if either of you is unhappy most of the time or you find you are no longer doing things together, you should talk to a counselor. If you no longer feel “in love” with your mate, or you are contemplating having an affair, this is a definite sign there is trouble in the marriage. If you are constantly tired, depressed, distracted at work, or you just feel like you argue about everything, counseling can help. If the relationship has gotten to the point where there is physical or emotional abuse however, you need to take immediate steps to get outside help.

The sooner you address these communications problems, the better off your relationship will be offering each of you the opportunity to have your needs met in the relationship. Effective communication between the sexes is not something we automatically know how to do; we have to learn this skill. Counseling can teach us effective ways to not only communicate with our spouse but also with other people in our life so everyone feels heard and understanding deepens resulting in greater enjoyment in our relationship.

Building Effective Communication Skills in Counselling

At Theravive, we are committed to working with couples to develop healthy communication styles and improving how each person relates within the relationship. While couples may come to counseling to address a specific topic that is causing tension or fights, your counsellor does more than simply help resolve an issue or disagreement. We want to see you able to develop the communication skills necessary to resolve fights on a regular basis whether it is a minor issue or a significant aspect of life.

Learning these skills in counselling provides the couple the ability to move forward in their relationship without being dependant on counseling long term for their problem resolution. Counselling skills are taught through the use of exercises that create a fun environment for couples to relax and learn about how they communicate and how their style affects their spouse. Usually, these skills are taught in just a few sessions with couples practicing what they have learned during the week. Since our communication styles did not develop overnight, making lasting changes does require awareness and an effort to ensure positive change. With the help and support of your Theravive counselor, better understanding and greater intimacy in Relationships through effective communication is achievable.

The Problem of Arguing and Failed Communication

It is estimated that when awake, we spend approximately 70% our time communicating, 30% of which is talking. This means that over half of our communication is non-verbal. It’s not what you say; it’s how you say it that can be the cause of communication problems between most couples. If you say one thing for instance, such as “everything is fine” but your body language conveys something else, such as a sunken shoulders or a withdrawn face, the dominant communication will be the physical or energetic undertone. When communication between couples becomes strained or even nonexistent, the entire foundation of the relationship is affected. Learning to communicate so everyone involved feels heard is hard work and as the divorce rate shows, many couples are unable to reach this level of understanding and therefore issues are left unresolved and tension deepens leading to a lack of understanding and respect. Ultimately, this may lead to couples simply dissolving the relationship for lack of knowing how to fix the problems. While this may be a temporary solution to their problems, ultimately, they resurface in the next relationship. Communicating effectively is an art but it can be learned. Counseling gives you the tools to communicate successfully so you get what you need and everyone involved is happy.

Why Is Communicating So Difficult?

For the most part, communication breaks down when people fail to adequately say what and how they feel in a non-threatening manner. If we were all completely honest, which of course means being vulnerable, the majority of arguments and conflicts would not occur. As children, we go through experiences, good and bad, that ultimately affect how we communicate in the future. The term emotional baggage is often used to describe these attitudes we carry forward. If, for example, you grew up in a household with an angry parent that everyone constantly tried to avoid or soothe, you will likely carry this attitude into adulthood and when confrontation arises, whether real or perceived, you will either try to calm the situation or run from it. If your spouse says something you perceive to be heated, you will immediately revert back to this childhood memory and in turn, face your mate with your learned response. You will probably do whatever you can to avoid the subject and if your spouse, for instance, comes from a family where everyone accepts anger as a simple outpouring of emotion and nothing more, then the two of you may clash making resolution of issues a regular challenge.

There have been many books written on the subject of gender communication and most of them conclude that men and women truly do think and feel differently. Men communicate in order to relay information. In general, they tend to talk more about topic do not require discussing and relating to feelings and emotions. Men are highly competitive and proverbial problem solvers. Men will often talk to solve problems. Conversely, women typically communicate to connect with others. They would rather talk about people than things and they relay feelings quite readily. Women are more relationship oriented in their speech then men. While not impossible, these differences provide a challenge for us to relate effectively to each other.

Going into a relationship, we often have unrealistic expectations. Romantic novels and blockbuster movies with the stunning, self-sufficient heroine finally getting her perfect, caring, sympathetic man are nothing like the real world. And when we are shocked back to reality during our first communication breakdown, we can feel cheated, disappointed, and often angry. Hurt feelings lead to irrational behavior and blaming, which of course, leads to further communication problems and eventual relationship troubles.

Effective Communication is a Skill

Communicating effectively with each other in a relationship does not come naturally! It may seem that way in the beginning, but as all couples know, once that honeymoon phase is over, the real challenge begins. It is dangerous to simply think that you can communicate effectively with your spouse on your own. Only through a joint commitment to build communication can greater understanding be reached. It is indeed a skill, and you will need to practice it in this journey of life...perhaps many times, but the good news is that anyone can learn it!

How Do I Know If We Need Help?

Communication problems are like ticking time bombs. You never know what will set things off and when it will be “the last straw” for either party involved. There are early warning signs that your relationship in is trouble however. If you and your partner have consistent unresolved arguments, if either of you is unhappy most of the time or you find you are no longer doing things together, you should talk to a counselor. If you no longer feel “in love” with your mate, or you are contemplating having an affair, this is a definite sign there is trouble in the marriage. If you are constantly tired, depressed, distracted at work, or you just feel like you argue about everything, counseling can help. If the relationship has gotten to the point where there is physical or emotional abuse however, you need to take immediate steps to get outside help.

The sooner you address these communications problems, the better off your relationship will be offering each of you the opportunity to have your needs met in the relationship. Effective communication between the sexes is not something we automatically know how to do; we have to learn this skill. Counseling can teach us effective ways to not only communicate with our spouse but also with other people in our life so everyone feels heard and understanding deepens resulting in greater enjoyment in our relationship.

Building Effective Communication Skills in Counselling

At Theravive, we are committed to working with couples to develop healthy communication styles and improving how each person relates within the relationship. While couples may come to counseling to address a specific topic that is causing tension or fights, your counsellor does more than simply help resolve an issue or disagreement. We want to see you able to develop the communication skills necessary to resolve fights on a regular basis whether it is a minor issue or a significant aspect of life.

Learning these skills in counselling provides the couple the ability to move forward in their relationship without being dependant on counseling long term for their problem resolution. Counselling skills are taught through the use of exercises that create a fun environment for couples to relax and learn about how they communicate and how their style affects their spouse. Usually, these skills are taught in just a few sessions with couples practicing what they have learned during the week. Since our communication styles did not develop overnight, making lasting changes does require awareness and an effort to ensure positive change. With the help and support of your Theravive counselor, better understanding and greater intimacy in Relationships through effective communication is achievable.

If you need a therapist to help you, we have a large selection of online therapists who are professional and licensed counselors, able to help you right where you are over the phone, via email, or webcam/messenger. If you prefer face to face counseling, please use our therapist directory and find a city close to you with a therapist who can meet your needs.