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Part of the traditional marriage vows indicate a partner's willingness to remain together in sickness and in health. So, could getting married to remain healthy as good of a reason to tie the knot as love? Many researchers over the years have reported that marriage is good for your health and that healthy married people are less likely to die at the same rate as unmarried people. More recent research agreed that marriage is, in fact, a positive move, up until the point that a person's health begins declining. A 20-year study showed healthy, unmarried people were about 75 percent more likely to have died than married people. So, what does that really mean? At a glance, it seems that marriage encourages people to be healthy due to having a purpose in life; that purpose being that they are depended upon in a relationship by their partner. It makes you wonder if love fades, then, at the same rate as health fades. Some people think that married people are less likely to report having failing health than singles are. On many occasions, it seems that by the time a married person reports their health problems, they may already be very close to the end of their life. Let's look at all of this in another way. Obviously, those who are in a good, positive marriage will most likely be in better health, if only due to being happy without much drama or stress in their lives. So, that being said, it makes you wonder if men and women show the same health-related advantages as a result of being married. For men, it appears that the happier their marriage, the higher their survival rate. For example, married men who had to undergo heart surgery were more than twice as likely than unmarried men to be alive 10 to 15 years later. For women, the status of their marriage is even more important. Women who are very satisfied with their marriages increase their survival rate almost four times of that of their unmarried counterparts. It seems that there really is a connection between love and happiness. Married people are likely to be happy with life compared to those who are single, living together, separated, divorced, or widowed. Also worth noting, a good marriage is better for your quality of life than a high-paying job. Married people are less depressed and having fewer mental issues than singles as well. This is likely because of trust in the marriage and the ability to talk about things with your spouse, knowing you will not be judged. There are studies that show mental health increases substantially for marrieds and deteriorates substantially for divorcees or those who are separated. More statistics indicate that marrieds also have lower blood pressure, lower stress levels, and better immune systems. Obviously, there are other things about marriage to consider. Marriage will not sustain itself. It takes a lot of work and commitment to maintain a wonderful, happy relationship. No marriage goes from start to finish without problems along the way. If you are having problems, such as arguing, not talking at all, or you or your spouse are experiencing low self-esteem, you should seek professional help. In order to maintain a healthy, lovely marriage, it is important to go back to the basics. No doubt you have heard or read all of these things many times before, but it bears repeating that all of these things are the basics for living in a healthy marriage. Communicate - For any relationship, including marriage, communication is the key to healthy relationships. Poor communication leads to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and other problems. Be Positive - Negativity weakens a marriage and will eventually damage it if you are not careful. Have Sex - Sex is a vital part of a healthy marriage. Remember to hug, kiss, hold hands, and talk. It isn't hard to fall into the cycle of feeling more like roommates than husband and wife. Understanding and Respect - Understand the way your spouse likes to be loved. Respect your spouse, and show you appreciate your spouse by staying thank you often. Show appreciation to your spouse as often as possible. Quality Time - Make it a priority to spend time together as a couple in love. This is especially important once children enter your world. If you have to, schedule time for a date on your calendars and take turns choosing where you will go or what you will do on your date. Do this at least once a month; once a week is preferable. Get Help when Needed - The most important piece of advice is this: Realize that there are trying times in any marriage, and accept the fact that there may be times when you and your spouse need to seek professional help to get you through a crossroads. People change, situations change, and relationships change. What you do not want to happen is to turn into a couple who share a space with no emotional attachment. The most important consideration is the quality of your marriage. Many different researches have concluded that a happy marriage can add a number of years to your life. Marriage is an important factor to think about, all while making sure to treat your spouse with respect. So, any way you look at it, a strong marriage really is something worth working for. If you are having issues in your marriage that you cannot seem to work through on your own, as a couple, it is time to seek professional help. Let the trained counselors at the Orange County Relationship Center help you through the rough times so you can maintain a positive relationship with your spouse. Call us today at 949-220-3211, or schedule an appointment online.

Whether your child has gone off to college, joined the military, or has just decided to move out and make a go of it, you are no doubt experiencing what is known as Empty Nest Syndrome. This time in your life is when your youngest child has left home (the nest) and now you are feeling alone, sad, guilty, empty, and useless. No doubt for many years you have been doing all things related to your children and your children's well-being. You have gone from changing diapers to taking your kids to preschool, to running to sporting events, music lessons, ballet, and everything in between, to watching your child walk on the podium and graduate from high school. Such joy, such memories, such usefulness. What should you do now that all of THAT is gone? First, realize that what you are going through is normal. Suddenly having an empty nest can be a painful shock to the system, leaving you feeling heartbroken and more than a little lost. No matter how long you may have looked forward to this day, the day when you could come and go where you wanted, for how long you wanted, without watching the time in order to pick somebody up from some activity, the day is here, and it's not fun! Your primary role in life for decades, maybe centuries, has been the role of "Mom" or "Dad", and that role has now been taken from you. You are left with only your spouse. You look at your spouse and wonder who that person is. You may also feel like you’re not sure who YOU are anymore – after all, your sense of self has been centered on being a parent for a long time. So, what do you do now? Do not ignore your feelings and recognize the fact that you experiencing Empty Nest Syndrome. There are many different avenues to consider, such as being proactive, taking time to learn about yourself, and rekindling your feelings for your spouse by making your marriage a priority. Be Proactive - Program yourself to learn how to cope with missing your child(ren). Prepare to deal with the loneliness before those feelings surface. Learn how to empower yourself with the tools that will help you be in control. Take Time to Learn about You - When you feel lonely, think about your life before children and remember the love you and your spouse had prior to having kids. Make dates, plan trips to see things you've dreamed of seeing over the years, or purposefully incorporate happiness and laughter into your everyday living. All of these things will make you feel better. Get a Pet or a Hobby - Share your newly found space with a pet. Studies have proven that having a pet in your life can lessen depression. Enroll in a painting or pottery class, take a gourmet cooking workshop, or read all those novels you've been hearing about. Getting out and about in the world can lead to meeting new people and developing new, lifelong friendships. Write in a journal - Write about your feelings, as well as what you plan to do, or could do, to change the way you are responding to the empty nest. Sometimes writing your thoughts in a journal can be very therapeutic. Reconnect with your spouse - Learn what each of you likes and dislikes. Discover things you didn't know about your spouse due to the busy lives you have lived through the last few decades. Since there are no children in the house, you can be a bit more relaxed. Take showers and naps together, have sex whenever the urge presents itself. Snuggle on the couch together, in your underwear or unclothed, while watching television. Take advantage of your newfound privacy. Embrace your new life - Your "life" has taken a back seat for many years. Do what you want to do: travel, get a new job, move to a new city. The possibilities are endless. Live intentionally by doing things you want to do, with and without your spouse. Although you knew the day was coming when you would no longer have children in your house, nobody can be totally prepared for the emotions that will follow the realization of the empty nest. It's helpful to have some knowledge of how to cope, as well as learning some things others in this predicament before you have done. If the empty nest gets too overwhelming for you, contact a professional counselor. The trained staff at the Orange County Relationship Center can help you get through this time in your life. Call 949-220-3211 today to make an appointment or schedule your appointment online at our website. There is no need to suffer and go through coping with an empty nest by yourself. Many times, it is helpful to talk with someone who can help you by providing a different perspective to your situation or by teaching you ways to deal with your loneliness.

Chapter 6 Common Boundary Myths “…AND I will NOT accept your guilt trips ANY MORE!!! They are NOT welcome in my HOME! If you want to leave you can!...” Do you know what that is?... DRUM ROLL PLEASE…. That is a Boundaryless women starting to set boundariesand oh boy is it ugly! Most of you can guess that was my mother I was talking to and many of you either have had, wish you could have, OR should have that conversation with that wonderful woman we call Mom! This chapter really started to make sense while in the midst of working on setting some new boundaries. Which by the way really does not come easy to me. .. In fact, later in the day my ‘loving’ mother says something about how I really should learn to control my emotions…adding insult to injury as I had already brought on the guilt trip for sticking up for myself. What I got to experience first had is Boundary Myth #5: Boundaries Mean That I Am Angry. Quote from page 116: It’s no secret that quite often, when people begin telling the truth, settling limits, and taking responsibility and “angry cloud” follows them around for awhile. They become touchy and easily offended, and they discover a hair-triggered temper that frightens them. Friends will make comments like, “You’re not the nice, loving person I used to know.” The guilt and shame caused by these remarks can further confuse new boundary setters. The chapter goes on to explain that anger is a sign we need to move forward to confront the threat and the violation. Years of constant boundary violations do generate some anger and sometimes we have shoved these feelings down! So if there is anything this chapter has done for me is validated I am in the right direction! It is NOT easy especially with a 33 year relationship to start to set healthy and biblical boundaries! A Myth is fiction that looks like a truth: Here are some of the other Myths about Boundaries this chapter exposes. Check to see which ones you believe 1) If I set Boundaries, I’m being selfish 2) Boundaries are a sign of disobedience 3) If I begin to set boundaries I will be hurt by others 4) If I Set boundaries I will hurt others 5) Boundaries mean that I am angry 6) When Others Set Boundaries In Injures me 7) Boundaries Cause Feelings of Guilt 8) Boundaries are Permanent and I’m Afraid if Burning My Bridges We are now finished "PART ONE: What are Boundaries?" WE DID IT!!! YES!!! On to "PART TWO: Boundary Conflicts" Reference: Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992) Boundaries: When to say Yes, When to say No; to take control of your life. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan.

I feel like I need to have a big sip of water, pat my belly, sigh, and sit back to digest…this book is getting good! Chapter 5: Ten Laws of Boundaries….DRUM ROLL PLEASE: Law of Sowing and Reaping: - God’s law on this is not punishment it is reality - When other people reap the consequences for someone else this is called “codependency” - People with no boundaries often interrupt this law Law of Responsibility: - This includes loving others - About being responsible ‘to’ and not for others - Not only giving but in the setting of limits on other’s destructive and irresponsible behaviour - It is not good to rescue others from the consequences of their sin as you will only need to do it again Law of Power: - We need to admit we are powerless - We have the power to admit our faults, submit to God, ask for help, turn for help, humble ourselves and apologize when wrong Law of Respect: - We tend to judge other’s people’s boundaries - We need to respect the boundaries of others, in fact we need to love them - If we love and respect people who say no they will love and respect our no Law of Motivation: - We are often motived not by love but by fear of losing it - We need to check our motivations are they based on: fear of anger, fear of losing myself, guilt, payback, approval, over identification with other’s loss Law of Evaluation: - Hurt and harm are different - We need to evaluate the effects of setting boundaries and be responsible to (not for) the other person - Need to evaluate the pain caused by our choices Law of Proactivity: - Proactive people show you what they love, what they stand for, what they want, and what they purpose - Spiritual adulthood has higher goals than finding yourself! Law of Envy: - Envy defines good as what I don’t poses - If we focus on what we don’t have we are not being responsible for what we do have - Envy should be a sign that you are lacking something (usually not what you are wanting) - take this to God Law of Activity: - Passivity can become an ally of evil if you do not resist it - God will match our efforts but he will never do the work for us - Trying, failing and trying again is called learning Law of Exposure: - Boundaries need to be made visible to others- they need to see them - Due to unexpressed boundaries relationships will suffer KEY THOUGHTS FROM THE CHAPTER: Boundaries do exist, they will affect us whether we communicate them or not (pg 103) The Ultimate Expression of Power is love (pg 98) We are called into freedom- this freedom results in gratitude and an overflowing heart(pg 94) More people suffer from trying to change others than any other sickness(pg 91) So here we are: the 10 Laws of Boundaries. Many of these seem so very obvious and others, well they are at work and I am sure as we open up we will see how we can work with them and not against them. Reference: Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992) Boundaries: When to say Yes, When to say No; to take control of your life. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan.