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Are you a perfectionist? It's one thing to get it right, but focus too much and things can wind up wrong. Here are some effects of perfectionism you may not realize. [More]

Many of us plan vacations to get away from our busy schedules. Arlene Uhi’s text, The Complete Idiots Guide to Beating Stress, suggests that much of the stress we experience is often connected to our daily routines (i.e. commute, commitments, and concerns) (Uhi 2006). According to a recent 2009 study completed by Joudrey and Wallace, active leisure pursuits (such as taking a vacation) helped reduce job related stress among a sample of 900 participants (Whitbourne 2010). Beyond the individual benefits, taking a vacation can also help increase family bonding, communication, and solidarity.A vacation can (Uhi 2006): Slow down our frantic routine Temporarily relieve us from our chores Provide space and time to reflect Provide space to recondition negative habits Teach us new stress-beating skills that we can adapt to our daily life. The author suggests that you choose a getaway that will instill calmness and relaxation. Taking a break from routine can help decrease hormone activity related to stress and hyperarousal. Give yourself an opportunity to escape from your daily rituals and experience something new. Any new activity that breaks away from your comfort will likely lead to increased satisfaction and joy. Activities you may want to consider: Pampering Spas Receiving a massage Enter a whirlpool or hot spring Mud bath treatment Getting a Facial Yoga Vacations Learn and practice Yoga Enjoy peaceful surroundings Meet a diverse group of individuals Active Adventures Bicycling Tours Camping Golf or Tennis Camps Multisport tours Walking Tours Beach or Patio Vacations References: Uhl, A. (2006). The complete idiot's guide to beating stress. New York, N.Y: Alpha Books. Whitbourne, Susan (2010). The importance of vacations to our physical and mental health. Psychology Today: Sussex Publishers Counselling Services for York Region

Part of the traditional marriage vows indicate a partner's willingness to remain together in sickness and in health. So, could getting married to remain healthy as good of a reason to tie the knot as love? Many researchers over the years have reported that marriage is good for your health and that healthy married people are less likely to die at the same rate as unmarried people. More recent research agreed that marriage is, in fact, a positive move, up until the point that a person's health begins declining. A 20-year study showed healthy, unmarried people were about 75 percent more likely to have died than married people. So, what does that really mean? At a glance, it seems that marriage encourages people to be healthy due to having a purpose in life; that purpose being that they are depended upon in a relationship by their partner. It makes you wonder if love fades, then, at the same rate as health fades. Some people think that married people are less likely to report having failing health than singles are. On many occasions, it seems that by the time a married person reports their health problems, they may already be very close to the end of their life. Let's look at all of this in another way. Obviously, those who are in a good, positive marriage will most likely be in better health, if only due to being happy without much drama or stress in their lives. So, that being said, it makes you wonder if men and women show the same health-related advantages as a result of being married. For men, it appears that the happier their marriage, the higher their survival rate. For example, married men who had to undergo heart surgery were more than twice as likely than unmarried men to be alive 10 to 15 years later. For women, the status of their marriage is even more important. Women who are very satisfied with their marriages increase their survival rate almost four times of that of their unmarried counterparts. It seems that there really is a connection between love and happiness. Married people are likely to be happy with life compared to those who are single, living together, separated, divorced, or widowed. Also worth noting, a good marriage is better for your quality of life than a high-paying job. Married people are less depressed and having fewer mental issues than singles as well. This is likely because of trust in the marriage and the ability to talk about things with your spouse, knowing you will not be judged. There are studies that show mental health increases substantially for marrieds and deteriorates substantially for divorcees or those who are separated. More statistics indicate that marrieds also have lower blood pressure, lower stress levels, and better immune systems. Obviously, there are other things about marriage to consider. Marriage will not sustain itself. It takes a lot of work and commitment to maintain a wonderful, happy relationship. No marriage goes from start to finish without problems along the way. If you are having problems, such as arguing, not talking at all, or you or your spouse are experiencing low self-esteem, you should seek professional help. In order to maintain a healthy, lovely marriage, it is important to go back to the basics. No doubt you have heard or read all of these things many times before, but it bears repeating that all of these things are the basics for living in a healthy marriage. Communicate - For any relationship, including marriage, communication is the key to healthy relationships. Poor communication leads to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and other problems. Be Positive - Negativity weakens a marriage and will eventually damage it if you are not careful. Have Sex - Sex is a vital part of a healthy marriage. Remember to hug, kiss, hold hands, and talk. It isn't hard to fall into the cycle of feeling more like roommates than husband and wife. Understanding and Respect - Understand the way your spouse likes to be loved. Respect your spouse, and show you appreciate your spouse by staying thank you often. Show appreciation to your spouse as often as possible. Quality Time - Make it a priority to spend time together as a couple in love. This is especially important once children enter your world. If you have to, schedule time for a date on your calendars and take turns choosing where you will go or what you will do on your date. Do this at least once a month; once a week is preferable. Get Help when Needed - The most important piece of advice is this: Realize that there are trying times in any marriage, and accept the fact that there may be times when you and your spouse need to seek professional help to get you through a crossroads. People change, situations change, and relationships change. What you do not want to happen is to turn into a couple who share a space with no emotional attachment. The most important consideration is the quality of your marriage. Many different researches have concluded that a happy marriage can add a number of years to your life. Marriage is an important factor to think about, all while making sure to treat your spouse with respect. So, any way you look at it, a strong marriage really is something worth working for. If you are having issues in your marriage that you cannot seem to work through on your own, as a couple, it is time to seek professional help. Let the trained counselors at the Orange County Relationship Center help you through the rough times so you can maintain a positive relationship with your spouse. Call us today at 949-220-3211, or schedule an appointment online.

The origins of Thanksgiving have nothing to do with a bunch of Indians and pilgrims sitting down for a bountiful feast of turkey. In reality although the settlers with pale faces had been bothering the Indians in addition to giving them many new diseases they had never had were starving by this time. The Indians took pity on them and brought them some corn and fish. Thanksgiving has a lot of emotional disappointment and this article will show you how to deal with this. This is a period of time in which you are expected to give to others and be generous. Although the intention is good it often leads to self sacrifice and disappointment. This is a period of time in which you must balance your newfound humanitarianism with the demands on your own life. If you do not continue to reach your own immediate goals either at work or at home you will find yourself being irritable and exhausted. Remember that an obligation to give to others does not mean that you have to sacrifice your own needs. You must remember to give yourself some time for your own physical and mental well-being. It is a time when we most often neglect the things we do to make ourselves happy and keep ourselves balanced like exercise, yoga, or other spiritual practices for your own physical and mental well-being This is a time to find some positive solutions to deal with your family members past resentments. Remember that when I family system gets back together it quickly returns to whatever difficulties encountered before. Even if you're the only person in the room aware of this it may help you from dealing with the fallacy that "now that we're all together we must be alright." This leads to the need to decide on your priorities and organize your time adequately. I this will counteract your feelings that you have not a planned enough for Thanksgiving. If you find additional time you can always volunteer to feed the poor would do random acts of kindness. You may also need to have planned out some unstructured inexpensive holiday activity because this holiday evokes a feeling of being served good food rather than organizing fun things to participate in. Spending some time thinking about this will save the day when you are reunited with your family and no one knows what to do. One of the major fallacies are that Thanksgiving will take away feelings of loneliness, sadness, fear, anger and frustration. This holiday is heavily advertised is a time in which everyone appreciates being together. The fallacy behind that becomes clear when you are reuniting with family members and you realize why you have become independent of them. You may find yourself being overwhelmed with anger or fear or worse yet feeling alone being surrounded by your family. The worst emotion that creeps up on this holiday is resentment. It is usually triggered by a previous bad relationship with a family member. Beware of grudges and slights you have suffered in the past and keep them from resurfacing. Thanksgiving is designed to encourage gluttony. This is not an open invitation to eat too much. Remember that most people with eating disorders simply want to have something to control in their lives and to avoid the resentment and self-hatred you will naturally feel after eating way past feeling hungry. This includes other over indulgences. You know by now what you need to keep a careful eye on so that you don't lose control and this may be an opportunity to set an example with other family members who still have raging addictions. You may want to have some contingency plans when they become abusively angry, drunk or chemically impaired. If it the end of the holiday feast you find yourself still feeling depressed or resentful remember what the Indians did. They didn't like these foreigners who is strange customs and behaviors showed such a resentment towards nature that it disrupted and destroyed the Indian culture. Yet they still took pity on these poor starving people and threw them a fish or two.

A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor's book. ~Irish Proverb How true! If we all practiced these two “cures”, we would likely improve our health and decrease our stress! In today’s day and age, too many people are not getting either of these important cures! Both are relatively easy to incorporate in to your day without needing to make any major lifestyle changes. Let’s take a more detailed look at each of these. Most Americans complain that they do not get enough sleep. Billions of dollars are spent each year on lost productivity and treatment for sleep-related problems. The recent research on sleep indicates that if you are not getting enough sleep, which for most people is 7 – 9 hours per night, you are at higher risk for high blood pressure, stroke, heart disease, mental impairment, depression and weight gain. When you are well rested the following results: you are more productive at home and work, you enjoy life more, you are more relaxed in your relationships and you are healthier. If you are not getting enough sleep, what would need to change in order for you to get more sleep? Many of us complain that we do not have time to sleep; but then, do you have the time or money to take care of any of the health issues listed earlier?? Is everything on our “to do” list really that important? Now let’s look at the second “cure” - laughter. Have you ever counted how many times you truly laugh in a day’s time? Laughter increases the level of endorphins and neurotransmitters in your system and reduces the level of stress hormones. Laughing can improve your immune system and provide a wonderful physical and emotional release. All that from simply laughing! Think of ways to increase the laughter in your day - gravitate towards those people who are upbeat and have a good sense of humor, read those email jokes that make you laugh, work towards seeing the humor in even the most difficult situations, watch a funny movie….be creative with how you increase your comic relief. What steps will you make to incorporate these 2 easy “cures” in to your day? The effort you put in to making these changes will more than repay you. It is a good investment in you, your family, and your business or career - and one that costs you nothing. References: Say Goodnight to Insomnia, Gregg Jacobs, MD; www.sleepdex.org; www.about.com. Leslie J. Hoy, MA, LPC is a Certified Cognitive Behavioral Therapist specializing in Depression, Anxiety, Sleep management, Couples Communication, Work-Life balance and Weight loss. She can be contacted at 210.379.4403 or leslie@hiperformance.net; www.leslie-lpc.com.

By Debra Bacon Theravive.com Contributor When a breakup occurs, picking up the pieces of our life can be a daunting task. It may seem impossible to imagine feeling “normal” again. The pain associated with a breakup can leave us feeling overwhelmed, confused, lonely and sad. No matter the cause of the breakup, it disrupts your life in ways that are unsettling. However, there are ways to grow and learn from the experience, as you process the loss. Overcoming loss A breakup--whether a long-term dating relationship, or divorce--wreaks havoc on your emotions. The void left in your life after calling it quits is not easy to fill. It is very important to take care of yourself during this time. After a relationship fails, feelings of intense grief, stress and regret over lost dreams and shared goals set in. Things are unfamiliar, and other relationships are affected. How to handle relationships with mutual friends and extended family members of whom you have become close too can be difficult and stressful to determine. You may even question you own identity. Depending on the length of time together, more often than not, you shared everything from activities, to dining and hanging out. You may begin to stress over questions like: How will you fill your time? What will it be like to be alone? Will you ever find someone else, or even want to? Don’t go it alone. Reach out to your family and close friends for support or join a support group. Bottling up your feelings will only heighten stress levels. Don’t be afraid to seek professional counseling. Allow feelings. The idea of allowing ourselves to feel the hurt in our heart and mind is almost unbearable. However, it is a necessary step in grieving. You may experience feeling of anger, resentment, sadness, relief, fear, and confusion. Recognize these feelings and realize where and why they are present. Work through it. Keep a journal. Writing down your feelings helps hash things out in your mind. Often it provides an outlet for frustration, or a place to record our future hopes and milestones. Be honest with yourself in your journa l. Don’t allow guilt to overcome you on the days you feel fine or you feel a renewed spirit within you. Relish them, there are more to come as healing progresses. Take things slowly. Give yourself a break. It is okay to feel differently than before. Rediscover your passions in life and slowly begin to venture out and act on them. Remember to take things one step at a time, one day at a time. Healing takes time, be kind to yourself, and remember you will move past the hurt. You can make it. Lessons learned From every crisis, an open door is before us, and a closed one behind. Take this time in between the two, to grow emotionally and spiritually. There will come a time when you will reflect on things you have learned from the experience. To completely reconcile yourself from the breakup and move on, it is important to understand what happened and what role each of you played in the relationship, and ultimate breakup. As you begin to heal and apply lessons learned from your decisions, you are likely not to make the same mistakes again.

By Debra Bacon Theravive.com Contributor Time becomes our taskmaster Living in a society where our time is invaded at every turn, whether from cell phones, faxes, computers, skype, IMs, text, or other signals crossing our sphere, burnout is a real concern. Burnout occurs when what you are doing, just doesn’t work for you anymore. Your once enthusiastic approach to a task now drains you, or feelings of apathy are more the norm, rather than hope and success. When juggling work, family and social lives, time can become our taskmaster instead of our friend. Finding balance in your life will liberate you, and allow you to overcome burnout. Signs of burnout Often, when burnout, people drive themselves harder to makeup for deficits emotionally, physical or otherwise. Denial that a problem exists is common; therefore, identifying signs of burnout is important to our emotional and physical health. Five signs of burnout: Irritability When a person feels out of control or unable to mange their life, work or family commitments as desired, they can become troubled. Often this is manifested in the form or irritation or aggravation. When burnout occurs, this state is more constant. You may lash out at co-workers or loved ones. Trouble sleeping Being stressed out and have multiple deadlines or unfinished business, can make it difficult to fall asleep or stay asleep. Sleep deprivation will cause you to perform poorly. Lack of energy As burnout creeps in, your energy level drops. A lack of caring or concern sets in, and productivity goes down the drain. Concentration issues Problems concentrating are common with burnout. When faced with overwhelming schedules and tasks, concentrating can be difficult. Emotional distress When someone is burnout, being overly emotional is common. For example, you may burst into tears over a seemingly minor incident. On the other hand, you can begin to isolate yourself, and show no emotion to varying circumstances. Either can lead to depression. Overcoming burnout Identifying burnout is only part of the solution. Overcoming burnout takes commitment and work on your part. Below are some practical solutions you can implement in your life to eliminate burnout, and enrich your life. Five steps to balance: Learn to say NO Over commitment is common, and a part of the reason people burnout. While it is important to please the boss, assess your current workload before saying yes to the next deadline. Perhaps you should allow someone else to drive the soccer team to and from games, or provide the snacks. Get moving Putting exercise in your schedule can make a world of difference. Exercise helps eliminate stress, clears the mind and keeps the body fit. Prioritize Assess what you are responsible for presently, and make a list. Evaluate and eliminate. Complete outstanding items that are most important or pressing, and delegate less important tasks to others as appropriate. Get support A healthy, happy life includes people we enjoy being around; those that bring joy and positive support to our lives. Identify the people that make up your support system. Others are in our lives to help us, co-workers, family, friends, clergy and counselors. Let go Learn to let go of things you cannot control. You cannot save the world. Let go of any guilt you may feel about not being able to do it all.

How can I tell if my marriage is in trouble? [More]

By Debra Bacon Theravive.com Contributor Relationships, hormones and pressures Teenage years are challenging for the teen and parents. Maintaining an open and communicative relationship with your teen is vital as they move through adolescence. Hormonal changes, mood swings and peer pressure are a part of the growth process, however, it is important to be aware of subtle, and overt signs that trouble may be on the horizon. While some unusual behavior is normal with teens, knowing your teen--how they generally react and interact with you--will help in identifying potential problems. Red Flags Following are signs to watch for that may indicate your teen is headed down the wrong path. Isolation: During adolescence, a teenager typically distances themselves a bit more than before from family. Yet, if your teen is avoiding your advances toward conversation and interaction, there may be a problem. If they spend more time away from home or alone, locked in their room, a red flag should go up. This can be an indication of drug use or depression. Sudden weight loss and/or appetite change: This behavior is indicative of peer and social pressures to look a certain way. An eating disorder, depression or drug use can be at the root of this conduct. Extreme mood swings: Mood swings are a common thing with teens. Therefore, it is a bit more difficult to discern what is problematic and what is normal. However, knowing your teens normal reactions will assist you follow up accordingly. This behavior could be a sign of social problems; hanging out with the wrong crowd. Meet your teen’s friends and their parents. Know who they are spending their time with and what values their parents hold dear. Declining grades or lack of interest in school/activities: Since teens have so much on their minds, at times, a lack of interest in school work could be chalked up as normal. However, if their grades are falling sharply, they are cutting classes and pulling out of activities once enjoyed, it is time to check-in. Get to know your teen’s teachers and find a way of communicating with them on a regular basis. Be involved in your adolescence education and school activities. Motivation issues: If your once spunky teen suddenly begins to seem more tired, and uninterested in hobbies and former friends, they could have a problem with substance abuse. They could be depressed or feeling isolated and alone. Talk with them, let them know you care. Be available to listen, love and offer advice, if needed. Get Involved If your teen is showing signs of unusual behavior, it is the parents’ responsibility to get to the bottom of what is going on. A child wants to know you are concerned and interested, even if they do not act like it. It may feel like to you that you are spying on them or invading their privacy when checking up on them. Press forward, as it could mean the difference between life and death.

By Debra Bacon Theravive.com Contributor Bullying: a new epidemic? Bullying is becoming an epidemic in our schools, cyberspace, parks and other areas where kids hang out. Its affect on children can be lasting, even following them into adulthood. It is vital to deal with bullying swiftly and lovingly. The times of a simple trip in the isle, just for the fun of it, between friends has passed. Today children are faced with far more intimidating tactics. Often, kids are attacked while others look on, without going for, or helping the victim. Children are often afraid to say anything to anyone for fear of retaliation. Know the signs Identifying the signs of bullying is a key element in protecting your child, and keeping them safe. Your child’s behavior will offer tell-tale signs bullying may be occurring. Following are a few things to watch for: Lack of appetite Decreased interest in school/social activities Few, if any close friends Trouble sleeping Stomach aches and other ailments Unexplained bruises, cuts or scrapes Missing or damaged personal items Anxiety Isolation How you can help If you notice you child manifesting any, or a number of these behaviors, it is time to talk--reach out with a kind, loving arm. Get as many details as you can about the bullying incidents. They may be reluctant to speak to you about the situation at first. Often this is because of misplaced blame or shame. It is important to reassure your child they are safe. Express how much you want to help them overcome this situation. They are likely not the only child being harassed by the bully. Talk with school officials, such as the counselor, principal or other significant policy makers about the danger your child is facing. Be persistent, and follow up. Ensure changes are made to eliminate the threat. Furthermore, depending on the type of abuse your child is being subject to, criminal charges may be in order. Talk to your child about how to handle the bullying. Encourage them to remain calm when confronted. Tell them to be firm when they speak to the aggressor. Offer suggestions of what they may say, such as: “Stop what you are doing right now.” Stress the importance of walking away. Never encourage aggression, or similar bad behavior. Encourage your child to make friends with people in his class. Children should walk in pairs or small non-threatening groups. Especially when going to the bathroom, lunch, playground and other potentially isolated areas. General rule of thumb Monitor your child’s activity. Such as, know who their friends are, and be involved as much as you can in their lives. Be careful of what you allow your children to watch on television and videos. Behavior breeds behavior, and violence can lead to violence. Computers are a way of life these days. As such, the newest form of bullying or threat can come from the internet. As much, if not more, as you would monitor what your children read and watch, the same should apply to the internet. Cyber bullying has lead to mental breakdowns, violent acts, sexual assaults, murder and suicide. Any type of bullying has this potential. If suppressed, an individual can move through life harboring a lot of resentment, guilt and shame. Knowing when to intervene and get professional help is paramount. It can eliminate or assist in treating more complicated mental conditions, such as anxiety disorders, resulting from bullying.